A Semi-Scientific Study Of The Usability Of Various Lines From The Movie Goon In Real-Life Hockey Situations

Ross Rhea and Doug Glatt about to fight

Much has been made about whether new hockey movie Goon is as good as all-time classic Slap Shot. But what those people desperate to face the two off against each other don’t understand is that there’s lots of room on the bench for both of them. When you’re riding the buses and need something to entertain you Slap Shot’s 123 minutes will only take you so far. And as a double-feature, Goon makes way better viewing than Youngblood.

Goon was clearly made by people who both know and respect the game, and understand the particular magic that makes a good hockey movie. Goon’s goalie character Marco Belchior is nearly as perfect as Slap Shot’s Denis Lemieux and Goon’s Russian brothers Evgeni and Oleg, though no match for the Hansons, are classic.

Lost in all this analysis, however, is the truly important stuff — the words. Particularly the one-liners, the catchphrases and the insults. To be truly great, Goon’s best lines need to match the likes of these:

“Puttin’ on the foil!”
“Old time hockey. Like Eddie Shore.”
“Two minutes, by yourself, you know and you feel shame.”
“Trade me right fucking now.”

These are hockey lore. More importantly, they’re phrases any hockey player can say in any dressing room, at any rink, and anyone within earshot will understand perfectly what message they’re sending.

Ultimately, Goon’s success or failure won’t be measured in the comparisons between old failed captains Reg Dunlop and Gord Ogilvey. It will be measured by how often those of us doing the pucking dig into Goon lines when we’re at the arena.

So we here at Poke Check Diaries fired up our hockey science computer (basically a bong stuffed with old foam shavings from a Cooper SK2000) and tried to determine what chance some of the lines from Goon have of weaving their way into the tapestry of hockey as inextricably as Lanny McDonald’s moustache.

Lanny McDonald’s moustache is hockey

The line:
“Holy fuckin’ shit look at that face period.”
Realistically, in the age of cages how often does one of your teammates get a busted face? Opportunities to use this will be rare, but awesome when applied correctly.
Score: 5 soup strainers out of 10

The line:
“What’s so funny giggly bits?”
Short, simple, with a non-sequitur quality to it, this could be used to counteract any perceived insult.
Score: 9 mouth brows out of 10

The line:
“Ass lickers. Am I the only one here? You Slavic fucking borscht-blooded cabbage-headed motherfuckers. Why don’t you stop the puck in your big vagina you Russian lesbian?”
As an homage to Do The Right Thing this is aces. As an insult it’s too specific — directed by a goalie towards to useless Russian defencemen — to be particularly useful in wide circumstance, but freestyling off of it might work.
Score: 3 lip rugs out of 10

The line:
“If I wanted any lip from you I’ll rattle my zipper.”
Sure it’s an obvious C+ level burn, but timed right on the ice it’s a slayer.
Score: 10 mouth merkins out of 10

The line:
“No glory holes here tonight, man.”
The pg-13 version of the “five hole” is ready made for wider use.
Score: 9 dirt squirrels out of 10

The line:
“I think that we both have a light in our stomachs. A special light. Like E.T. And the team needs someone to light the way. My stomach light needs your stomach light. We can all phone home together.”
My stomach light needs your stomach light. That’s the sleeper right there. If Goon succeeds it’ll be because 16 year olds are saying this to each other right now.
Score: 8 flavour savers out of 10

The line:
“We’ve got to be triceps, biceps, arse-ceps hard… greek fuckin’ underground gay porn hard… Highlanders gay porn hard!”
Now THAT is a rallying cry. For 10, maybe 15 per cent of hockey teams.
Score: 5 pubestaches out of 10

The line:
“Your fuckin’ mother pussy so tight no way baby come out there, no way, you adopted.”
You’ve got to say this one in a Russian accent for it to work. It’s entertaining and serviceable, but not the most complex of burns.
Score: 6 lip spinach out of 10

The line:
“I’m high on painkillers!”
Have you ever been around a hockey team?
Score: 10 lip toupees out of 10

The line:
“I’ll sign your dick, Doug.”
This seems absurdist, but I’ve been in dressing rooms where the traditional greeting when someone walks through the door is “nice cock.” “I’ll sign your dick,” although somewhat more abstract, could very well be adopted in certain circles.